Our Journey

Hello Friends!
 Over the past couple of weeks I have felt that I needed to write a post on our journey to get to where we are today....pregnant. Whether it's to help some of my friends that are going through the same thing, to offer some sort of hope, or to just get it all written down so we have it in the future.

    After Victor and I got married we decided we would wait at least 1 year before we thought about having kids. Lets be honest, I thought about it, and asked him about it, but we waited. Looking back, I'm SO glad we did wait. I loved having that time with him. When we had been married for just over a year I went in for my yearly exam, and got shattering news. My doctor called me and told me that the results were abnormal, which could mean that I had cancer. What in the world?! I felt fine. I went in the next week for them to do a biopsy on the abnormal cells, and then we waited for the results. A week later the results came back as being PRE cancerous cells on my cervix, but they needed to be removed before they turned cancerous. I was so scared. I went home, locked myself in my room, and cried like a baby, for hours on end. When Victor got home I told him what was going on, and he said "It will be okay, Don't worry." WHAT?!?!?! Don't worry?! I was so angry at him. How could he NOT worry...didn't I mean enough to him for him to worry? Angry! I was referred to a new doctor down in Cedar (1.5 hours away from us) who would be doing the surgery to be removing the cells from my cervix. We met, and I had all sorts of questions for him. The first question was, will I ever be able to get pregnant, and have a safe pregnancy? After all, the cervix is what holds the baby in. I had always dreamed of getting pregnant, and feeling my baby move, and the thought that this could no longer happen? I couldn't let myself think about that.  His answer to that question was, "Yes, and maybe no." HUH?! What does that mean? Yes, it was possible that I could get pregnant, and carry the baby to term with no problems at all. But there was also a possibility that if I did get pregnant, that they would have to sew my cervix shut, or the baby could....wait for it....FALL OUT while I was walking around. Ummm....this conversation was so not easing any of my fears. But he said that when/if I got pregnant, that they would keep a close eye on it to make sure they were doing everything they could. So, in August of 2011 Victor drove a very drugged up Megan to Cedar for the surgery to have the cells removed. It was scary, until I took all the drugs the doctor told me to take, and then....well...I don't remember ANYTHING! Probably a good thing. The surgery was a success. He was able to get all of the cells, and so far, none of them have returned! Thank the Lord!
   In June of 2012 we decided it was time to start trying for a baby. After almost 2 years of marriage, we decided we were ready to give up our "him and me time" and turn it into "family time." We were both so excited that there was a possibility that we could have a mini me/him running around. However, it wasn't nearly as easy as we thought it would be.
   In September of 2012 I went in to my doctor, and I told him that we were trying to get pregnant, but my cycles were ALL over the place. We were having a hard time knowing when the "time was right." I asked if there was something he could do to help. He said they could check for PCOS which could be what was causing my cycles to be everywhere. So they did a blood test, and they ordered an ultrasound. When I went down for the ultrasound, he said "the blood work showed no indication that you would have it, but we'll check anyways." I'm SO glad they did check anyway, because, I had it. Of course I had it. Why had I even let myself think I didn't have it? He said there was a medication that they could put me on that would help regulate my cycles, which should in turn, help us to get pregnant. After that appointment, I went home, and again, threw myself a pitty party. Why was this so hard for us? Why did I have to have everything wrong with me? Why didn't the Lord TRUST me with a baby, when all of these other people, who didn't really WANT a baby got one? Why us? Why me? These questions are totally NORMAL when going through this particular trial.
   After that appointment, my doctor said there wasn't anything else he could do until we had been trying to get pregnant for a year. A year I thought? Easy Peasy! No way I won't be pregnant after that long. Little did I know......
   Every time my new "regular" cycle was late, I would test, just to get a negative. 10 friends had become pregnant, some, without even trying. Others had had their babies. All the while, there was me, and my sweet, patient husband, just waiting for our turn. Babies were EVERYWHERE. Whether it was at church, or our brothers or sisters were having them, or coming into our works, they were everywhere. And every time we saw one (and by we, I mean me) I would get depressed, all over again. When was it going to be my turn? We tried ovulation kits, and NOTHING. We prayed, and fasted, NOTHING. We did everything we knew how to do, and NOTHING. I was discouraged. I was angry. I was hurt. I had given up. We had decided that if we couldn't get pregnant naturally, that we just wouldn't have kids. There was no way we could afford fertility treatments, and we couldn't afford to adopt, so, I had just gotten used to the fact that it was only gonna be us. (A little dramatic I know for it not quite being a year a trying)
   In June of 2013 I went in for the "I'm still not pregnant" appointment, and cried. All I wanted was a baby. You never give up on the thought, as much as you tell yourself you do. I told Victor that there was obviously some reason why we hadn't been able to get pregnant yet, but not knowing what it was, was killing me. He look at me and said, "Hand it over to the Lord." So I did. I told myself that it would happen when it was meant to happen. One day I had a feeling that I needed to get out my Patriarchal Blessing, and read it. It tells me that I will have kids. I felt so much better...still running out of patience, but better. At my appointment, my doctor told me he wanted to do an HSG test just to make sure everything was okay.
  I went in in August for the HSG test. I went through the pain of it, (due to my surgery, my cervix is very pain sensitive) just for them to tell me that they couldn't do it right then, and I would have to wait about 2 weeks and come back, and do it all over again. Sitting at the hospital, in a hospital gown, I broke down. They went and got Victor, he came in and held me while I BAWLED like a big baby. All I wanted was a baby. Why was I having to go through all of this?!
   Two weeks later, I went back in, angry. Angry at the doctor that was doing the test, because he was the one that told me to come in the first time. Angry at my doctor for not doing this test sooner. Just ANGRY. I sat through the whole thing expecting the worst news, because, the way I saw it, everything else had gone horribly wrong, why would this not? As they finished the test, they called Victor into the room with me to go over the results. And it turns out, they found something. Something that could have been the whole reason, the whole time. BOTH of my fallopian tubes had blockages in them. When they injected the dye, both of the blockages were pushed out. This increased our chance of getting pregnant by 65% in the next 3 months. Holy cow! Those were great odds! I left the hospital with more hope than I had felt in a long time. It was so nice to not be SO angry anymore. As we drove home, I started crying. Victor asked me if I was in pain, and I said no. He asked me what was wrong, and I said "I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I gave it to the Lord, and I feel like there is a possibility it could happen, and soon."
   On October 20, 2013 I took another pregnancy test. Not because I thought there might be a possibility, but because I was late. I hadn't gotten a positive ovulation test in September, and I didn't have any other symptoms, but I thought, what's it gonna hurt? As I sat there and looked at the test that read "pregnant" I didn't believe it for a second. There was still an hourglass flashing, so I just assumed it was going to pop up with a huge NOT in front of it. When the hourglass finally went away a 2-3 weeks popped up. Could this really be happening?  Was everything I had wanted for over a year finally happening? This couldn't be right. So, I took another test, and another one, but that was it, because that was all I had! all 3 tests said the same thing "Pregnant 2-3 weeks" HOLY CRAP! I was finally pregnant! Where's Victor?! I want to tell him, I want to cry, (pregnancy hormones, or just relief) I want to shout it from the roof top. Victor was GONE hunting for the day. That's great, I'll run to the store and buy a couple onesies to give him. And that's what I did. When he finally got home, and we were alone (We had a house full of company) I handed him a box that he a pink and a blue onesie, a book that's called "Daddy's home" and my pregnancy tests (Don't worry, I put them in a baggie) As he opened it, he looked at me, in shock. He couldn't believe it either. He hugged me, then asked me if I was serious! YES! I was serious! "We're gonna have a baby."
   I went to the doctor and we got the due date of June 26, 2014!

Friends, If you, or someone you know, are going through the same thing, know that there is hope. I know you feel like it will never happen. It's so hard to watch everyone else have babies, but I promise you, in the end, It will be worth it. Give it to the Lord, and let Him know that you trust Him. As I feel my son kicking around as I'm writing this, I'm so grateful that my husband had the faith to "give it to the Lord" and that he was patient with me, as I learned to do the same thing. Our life has changed so much already, and yours will too. Also, know that you're not alone. There are people out there that have gone, or are going through the same thing. Seek help from friends and family. Having that support system is so important!

I hope this may have helped give someone out there the hope that is a light at the end of the "infertility tunnel."

-Megan

It's a.....

Hello Friends!
 We have had a wonderful first week of 2014!

On January 3rd, we went in for a doctor's appointment to check on baby! He was moving around so much, they couldn't find his heartbeat long enough to actually read it. So they ended up having to do an actual ultrasound to get the heartbeat! This turned out to be a huge blessing! We usually don't find out the gender till about week 20, and I was only 15 weeks at this time. The doctor told us it would be a long shot to actually be able to see what it was, but then when he started doing the ultrasound, the first thing he said was "Oh, that's definitely a BOY!!!!!" He was sitting perfectly so we could see exactly. It's so crazy to think that we're having a little boy in about 5 months or so! Victor is so excited to have a son! And I'm just so excited to be having a baby!

During this appointment, I also got a free prenatal massage! It was HEAVENLY! I love massages, but this one was perfect! I've been getting headaches, almost every day, and she worked on my shoulders, and neck while I was there, and I haven't had a single headache since then! It's been wonderful! I will be going back for a few more through out this pregnancy!

Anyways, this is a short post! I hope all is well!

2013 in review

Hello friends and family!
 We hope your Christmas was WONDERFUL!!!! We sure had a great day! I love Christmas time! I told Victor Christmas night that I always get a little sad when Christmas is over. Everyone is always so happy, and thoughtful during the holidays.

2013 was the best year yet! (I'm pretty sure I say that every year!)

There wasn't a whole lot that happened this year. We got our backyard done, and got the upstairs painted! We went on our annual Vegas trip in September! I got to hang out with an old friend, and it was so nice! We hadn't seen each other since my wedding 3.5 years ago!
In July, we celebrated our 3rd anniversary! We usually go on a trip, but this year we put all of our money in the backyard!
In October we found out that we're pregnant! We were/are so excited! It still doesn't seem to real yet, I haven't felt any little kicks or anything, but I'm definitely showing, and gaining a little weight! Since week 10 I haven't been too sick, or really, felt very pregnant at all. It has been a pretty easy pregnancy so far! But then again, I'm only 14 weeks. We find out what we're having in about a month! We go in next Friday for our next appointment. Not exactly sure what's gonna happen at that appointment, but we'll find out! We're excited!

2014 Will be a beyond amazing year for us! We're hoping to take a baby moon trip. One last trip before baby joins us!
Baby will be joining us in June! I'm due June 26! So we'll have Victor's birthday in May, my birthday June 7, baby's around the 26, and then our anniversary in July! Our summers will be a little crazy from now on! But we can't wait!
Victor's parents will be coming home in September, and then we will be blessing the baby probably in October! I know it's a little later than normal, but we wanted to wait until Victor's dad can be in the circle with him.

I can't wait for the new year to start, but I'm also a little sad to say goodbye to 2013! It's been a wonderful year for us!

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas, and a fantastic New Year!

Big Changes

Hello to the 1 or 2 readers we have!
 We've had some big changes in our lives these past couple of months.

Baby at 11 weeks

First on October 20, we found out that we're HAVING A BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We are SOOOO excited, beyond excited, blessed, and thrilled for this new journey we're about to embark on! I'm scared, nervous, excited, and inpatient! I'm about 12 weeks right now, so only 28 more weeks! I keep having dreams that baby is a boy, and everyone we tell says "him" so it will be a shock if it's a girl! I guess we'll find out! We went in last Friday, December 6, and we got to hear the heartbeat, and see our little miracle! It was the most amazing thing! Victor wouldn't look away from the screen or picture the doctor gave us! I know he'll be an amazing father, and I can't wait to fall in love with him all over again, while I watch how much he loves this baby!

One other change we've had. In November we had our 14 year old nephew move in with us for a little bit! He'll probably be here till about March sometime! It has definitely been a change having him here, and honestly, sometimes a challenge for me. I don't know how to deal with teenagers, and I'm pregnant, so they don't mix well. He's a good kid though! He helps around the house, and he'll even cook dinner! His one main chore is to take care of the dogs, and he does it every day without having to be told, so that's nice! It has been a challenge just getting used to always having someone there, but I guess that's something we have to get used to! I know that he's here with us for a reason, and that hopefully we can do some good for him! I'm sure I drive him crazy always asking about his grades, and if he's done his chores, and that stuff, but that's what moms do....right? I'm hoping that when he looks back on his childhood, he won't think "that was the worst 4 months of my life." and he'll say something like "that wasn't SO bad." haha. I know he's struggling because we don't have video games for him to play, and the TV is in a room that is just as cold as outside is right now, so he's bored out of his mind, I'm sure. But he's pretty good to not complain too much! :)

For Thanksgiving this year we got to tell our families that we are expecting! It was such a wonderful day, and everyone was so happy and supportive! We called Victor's parents on Skype, and my mother in law let out a little shriek! When we told my parents we were going around the table and saying what we are thankful for, and I just said that we were thankful for Baby Murdock who will join us in June! My mom screamed, and ran around the table! Later Victor said that we should have skyped them too (totally kidding) because he's not a very huggy person, and my family is! But overall, I think it went really well!

For Christmas this year I think we're planning on going up to Aaron and Marci's like we did last year! We like being with kids on Christmas morning! It's just more fun that way!

Other than these 2 big changes, our lives are pretty much the same (haha, yeah right, they will never be the same)

We hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving!
Merry Christmas (Because I'm pretty sure I won't be updating before then!)

:)

It seems I can't get one here more than once every couple of months to update, so I apologize to those who actually read this! (Trent)!
Over the past couple of months we have been BUSY!!!! We have gotten the backyard done, we've both been working a lot, and we have had a couple trips we've gone on! I sure love our simple life. Sometimes life doesn't seem so simple, and then I think of what it could be, and I'm grateful for my life!

Our backyard

Our backyard has taken more time than we really wanted to admit it would. Between raking up rocks that were dumped back there, leveling it out, saving the money to get the patio poured, and for everything else we needed, digging for the sprinklers, and making the firepit, it took ALL summer! I'm so glad it's done though. The grass is still mostly weeds, but it's starting to thicken up. The dogs love having grass to roll in back there! They are spoiled, but that's a story for another time!
Work-Victor has been working his usual 6 days a week, from 9-6, so he hasn't changed too much, but I, on the other hand, am exhausted from working! I have started working Monday-Friday, and sometimes Monday-Saturday. Our weekend girl ended up quitting because of differences, but now, I'm working her days too! Which, I'm loving. It's just a little bit to get used to not having a 3 day weekend every week. I'm having a hard time getting everything done that I need to around my house. I used to use Fridays for cleaning the house, and doing laundry, and then Saturdays for my crafts and stuff, and then Sundays Victor is off, so we would hang out together. Now, I'm doing both Friday and Saturday in Saturday, and it's a little more difficult that I thought it would be! But I'm getting used to it! I love my job, and I'm so grateful that I can help families during their rough times!

At the Tournament of Kings

Trips-In September, Victor and I took our annual Las Vegas trip! I love these little trips every year! This year we were actually able to do a show, and that was sooo much fun! We went and saw the Tournament of Kings at the Excalibur. It was awesome! Very well done, and you could tell the actors were having fun while there were doing it. We were on the front row, so that was even better. The ticket included a 3 course meal, and the show! It was well worth it, I think. While we were in Vegas, I got to hook up with an old friend from high school! We haven't seen each other since my wedding, so it was long overdue! She had just moved down there a couple weeks before we got there, so she hadn't got down the strip yet, so that's what we did! It was so nice to be able to catch up for a few hours! I sure miss her a lot!

My first batch of jam

As far as the gym goes, It's been a lot harder to get there than I thought it would be. I guess I need to start to make it a priority, but I feel like when I can go, something comes up, and I feel okay by not going.
A couple weeks ago, I had my husband give me a blessing. In the blessing he told me that I need to find something I love to do, set goals, and when I achieve those goals, I will find happiness. Well, I listened to that blessing, and I started canning stuff with my mom. We've done strawberry jam, (Yes Trent, you can have some when you come visit) peach jam, peaches, applesauce, apple pie filling, and I did Salsa! Every time I walk into my food storage room I feel this sense of accomplishment, just knowing that I did it, makes me feel so good, and happy! I'm so sad that canning season is over. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with my time now, but I can't wait for next year!
Anyways, I don't think there's too much more to say!

Channeling Frustration

Well, I know it's been a while since I've posted, and there may be a reason for that. Lately I have been ornerier than heck. I've been angry at the world. All I've wanted to do was curl up in a ball, and cry the days away. The worst part about it, I'm not really sure why. I mean, I have a couple reasons, a couple of them very big reasons, but it's not something that no one else has been through, and I think to myself, if they can do it, so can you....but in reality, that's not how I see things.
Victor and I had a conversation the other day, a conversation we've had MANY times, but for some reason, this time, it really sank in. Not sure why, but I'm sure glad it did.
I can't go into a lot of detail, but lets just say, something that comes very easy to a lot of other people, isn't for me, and I'm having a hard time dealing with it. I don't understand why it's so easy for some people, and why I'm having the hardest time with it. And this issue literately makes me mad at the world. I'm mad at EVERYONE...everyone except my loving husband, and sometimes my dog.
And then on top of this issue I'm having, there is a lot of drama at work, and I don't deal with drama well. I've always been one of those people that says "If you're mad at me, come to ME about it, don't go to everyone else about it, and then deny it when I ask you about it." but that's not working right now, and I don't know how to deal with it.
So, the other day, while driving up into the mountains, I asked Victor what I should do, and why I'm so angry. Like I said, there are LOTS of other people that have trials, but why does it seem to hit me harder than most? (Yes, loaded question for my husband, I know) He replied with one simple word. A word I've known my entire life. A word that can be said it a good way, or in a bad way. The way Victor said it, it was a bad way. ATTITUDE.  I kinda looked at him funny, (lets be honest, I was a little hurt, and upset that he would tell me that I have a bad attitude, but, I did.) That's one of the many reasons I fell in love with him, because he was so blunt about things, and while he knew it would make me upset, he still said it, because he knew I needed to hear it. My attitude lately has totally and completely SUCKED! There's no denying it. I don't want to go to work, I don't want to go to church, I just want to lay in bed, and think about how the world is picking on me. That's healthy, right? HA!
Since that day, the day my husband told me my attitude sucks, I have been doing a lot of thinking, I've shed a lot of tears, and I'm finally deciding to do something about it. Something I have control over. I don't have control over what people tell me, what they don't tell me, things that happen, or don't happen, but I do have control over my physical health, and to be honest, right now, it sucks just as bad as my attitude. So, today on my lunch break, I went and signed up with a 6 month membership to the local gym. I'm hoping that If i go into working out with a new outlook, besides losing weight and just something I can have control over, and something that I can take my frustration out on, I will be a happier me. Victor is convinced it will work, me? I'm terrified. (Yes, there is my bad attitude again creeping it's way to the surface.) I've never been one to like working out, ever. I don't like getting hot and sweaty, I don't like breathing hard, I don't like saying I can't run a mile, but I don't like wanting to cry all day either, and I'm hoping that this will be a solution. While it won't fix things that are broken, or fully heal wounds, it will be a great band-aid for now, until the wound has time to heal.
So, here's to a better attitude, and a happier Megan (Which, if you've been around me lately, you know is a must!)

Update

Oh, Hey there!
 I figured since it's been almost 6 months since I posted, I probably should!
There hasn't really been too much that has changed around our house! We've just been super busy getting the backyard ready to get grass planted, finally! (It's been almost 2 years) We are making a patio in the backyard, and we will have a fire pit as well! I'm so excited for it to get done. I'm sick of the weeds, and the mud when it rains! I got our garden planted, and it's growing so wonderfully! I wasn't expecting to get anything out of it, since this is the first year, but I'm wonderfully surprised. I also planted some strawberries, and blackberries, that I have yet to get anything from. Stupid birds!



My Peas

A couple weeks ago my sister in laws came down and surprised me for my birthday! I seriously married into the best family of all time! We went to El Mexicano. If you don't know, maybe you should come visit, and I will introduce you to the best chips and salsa you will ever taste!

My new camera

For my birthday this year Victor let me pick out a new digital camera! It's so nice! I'm so excited to go somewhere and really test it out! It's got this awesome setting on it that detects your dogs face, and automatically snaps the picture, as soon as they look at it! It's so cool! I'm one lucky girl! My husband is so good to me!

This year for our anniversary (July 31) we are going to Mesa Verda, and Durango! I'm so excited! I love seeing old ruins, so I think the trip will be one of the best! I love that we live so close such cool things, like Capitol Reef, Bryce Canyon, Zion's, Fish Lake, they are all within 2-3 hours! We're luck!

My poor wedding ring

My parents moved down here a couple months ago! It's been nice having them so close for the first time since I was 18! It was nice to spend Mother's and Father's Day with them. Sometimes it still feels like they are visiting! Maybe one day I'll get used to having them so close.

This summer I have been playing on a Softball team! My office sponsors a team! It's a lot of fun! We play 2 games every Thursday night! We pretty much suck, but at least we have fun playing! A couple weeks ago, I was catching, and a girl threw the ball from the outfield, and I caught it, and got the guy out....but my wedding ring paid the price. haha. I was just glad my hubby bought the lifetime warranty on it, so they fixed it no problem!

Victor has been busy with bike rides, and search and rescue...unfortunately, it's on Thursdays too. My husband is so active all the time! Sometimes, I'm surprised he can still walk at the end of the day!

I think that's most of our lives these days! Nothing too exciting!