Our Journey

Hello Friends!
 Over the past couple of weeks I have felt that I needed to write a post on our journey to get to where we are today....pregnant. Whether it's to help some of my friends that are going through the same thing, to offer some sort of hope, or to just get it all written down so we have it in the future.

    After Victor and I got married we decided we would wait at least 1 year before we thought about having kids. Lets be honest, I thought about it, and asked him about it, but we waited. Looking back, I'm SO glad we did wait. I loved having that time with him. When we had been married for just over a year I went in for my yearly exam, and got shattering news. My doctor called me and told me that the results were abnormal, which could mean that I had cancer. What in the world?! I felt fine. I went in the next week for them to do a biopsy on the abnormal cells, and then we waited for the results. A week later the results came back as being PRE cancerous cells on my cervix, but they needed to be removed before they turned cancerous. I was so scared. I went home, locked myself in my room, and cried like a baby, for hours on end. When Victor got home I told him what was going on, and he said "It will be okay, Don't worry." WHAT?!?!?! Don't worry?! I was so angry at him. How could he NOT worry...didn't I mean enough to him for him to worry? Angry! I was referred to a new doctor down in Cedar (1.5 hours away from us) who would be doing the surgery to be removing the cells from my cervix. We met, and I had all sorts of questions for him. The first question was, will I ever be able to get pregnant, and have a safe pregnancy? After all, the cervix is what holds the baby in. I had always dreamed of getting pregnant, and feeling my baby move, and the thought that this could no longer happen? I couldn't let myself think about that.  His answer to that question was, "Yes, and maybe no." HUH?! What does that mean? Yes, it was possible that I could get pregnant, and carry the baby to term with no problems at all. But there was also a possibility that if I did get pregnant, that they would have to sew my cervix shut, or the baby could....wait for it....FALL OUT while I was walking around. Ummm....this conversation was so not easing any of my fears. But he said that when/if I got pregnant, that they would keep a close eye on it to make sure they were doing everything they could. So, in August of 2011 Victor drove a very drugged up Megan to Cedar for the surgery to have the cells removed. It was scary, until I took all the drugs the doctor told me to take, and then....well...I don't remember ANYTHING! Probably a good thing. The surgery was a success. He was able to get all of the cells, and so far, none of them have returned! Thank the Lord!
   In June of 2012 we decided it was time to start trying for a baby. After almost 2 years of marriage, we decided we were ready to give up our "him and me time" and turn it into "family time." We were both so excited that there was a possibility that we could have a mini me/him running around. However, it wasn't nearly as easy as we thought it would be.
   In September of 2012 I went in to my doctor, and I told him that we were trying to get pregnant, but my cycles were ALL over the place. We were having a hard time knowing when the "time was right." I asked if there was something he could do to help. He said they could check for PCOS which could be what was causing my cycles to be everywhere. So they did a blood test, and they ordered an ultrasound. When I went down for the ultrasound, he said "the blood work showed no indication that you would have it, but we'll check anyways." I'm SO glad they did check anyway, because, I had it. Of course I had it. Why had I even let myself think I didn't have it? He said there was a medication that they could put me on that would help regulate my cycles, which should in turn, help us to get pregnant. After that appointment, I went home, and again, threw myself a pitty party. Why was this so hard for us? Why did I have to have everything wrong with me? Why didn't the Lord TRUST me with a baby, when all of these other people, who didn't really WANT a baby got one? Why us? Why me? These questions are totally NORMAL when going through this particular trial.
   After that appointment, my doctor said there wasn't anything else he could do until we had been trying to get pregnant for a year. A year I thought? Easy Peasy! No way I won't be pregnant after that long. Little did I know......
   Every time my new "regular" cycle was late, I would test, just to get a negative. 10 friends had become pregnant, some, without even trying. Others had had their babies. All the while, there was me, and my sweet, patient husband, just waiting for our turn. Babies were EVERYWHERE. Whether it was at church, or our brothers or sisters were having them, or coming into our works, they were everywhere. And every time we saw one (and by we, I mean me) I would get depressed, all over again. When was it going to be my turn? We tried ovulation kits, and NOTHING. We prayed, and fasted, NOTHING. We did everything we knew how to do, and NOTHING. I was discouraged. I was angry. I was hurt. I had given up. We had decided that if we couldn't get pregnant naturally, that we just wouldn't have kids. There was no way we could afford fertility treatments, and we couldn't afford to adopt, so, I had just gotten used to the fact that it was only gonna be us. (A little dramatic I know for it not quite being a year a trying)
   In June of 2013 I went in for the "I'm still not pregnant" appointment, and cried. All I wanted was a baby. You never give up on the thought, as much as you tell yourself you do. I told Victor that there was obviously some reason why we hadn't been able to get pregnant yet, but not knowing what it was, was killing me. He look at me and said, "Hand it over to the Lord." So I did. I told myself that it would happen when it was meant to happen. One day I had a feeling that I needed to get out my Patriarchal Blessing, and read it. It tells me that I will have kids. I felt so much better...still running out of patience, but better. At my appointment, my doctor told me he wanted to do an HSG test just to make sure everything was okay.
  I went in in August for the HSG test. I went through the pain of it, (due to my surgery, my cervix is very pain sensitive) just for them to tell me that they couldn't do it right then, and I would have to wait about 2 weeks and come back, and do it all over again. Sitting at the hospital, in a hospital gown, I broke down. They went and got Victor, he came in and held me while I BAWLED like a big baby. All I wanted was a baby. Why was I having to go through all of this?!
   Two weeks later, I went back in, angry. Angry at the doctor that was doing the test, because he was the one that told me to come in the first time. Angry at my doctor for not doing this test sooner. Just ANGRY. I sat through the whole thing expecting the worst news, because, the way I saw it, everything else had gone horribly wrong, why would this not? As they finished the test, they called Victor into the room with me to go over the results. And it turns out, they found something. Something that could have been the whole reason, the whole time. BOTH of my fallopian tubes had blockages in them. When they injected the dye, both of the blockages were pushed out. This increased our chance of getting pregnant by 65% in the next 3 months. Holy cow! Those were great odds! I left the hospital with more hope than I had felt in a long time. It was so nice to not be SO angry anymore. As we drove home, I started crying. Victor asked me if I was in pain, and I said no. He asked me what was wrong, and I said "I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I gave it to the Lord, and I feel like there is a possibility it could happen, and soon."
   On October 20, 2013 I took another pregnancy test. Not because I thought there might be a possibility, but because I was late. I hadn't gotten a positive ovulation test in September, and I didn't have any other symptoms, but I thought, what's it gonna hurt? As I sat there and looked at the test that read "pregnant" I didn't believe it for a second. There was still an hourglass flashing, so I just assumed it was going to pop up with a huge NOT in front of it. When the hourglass finally went away a 2-3 weeks popped up. Could this really be happening?  Was everything I had wanted for over a year finally happening? This couldn't be right. So, I took another test, and another one, but that was it, because that was all I had! all 3 tests said the same thing "Pregnant 2-3 weeks" HOLY CRAP! I was finally pregnant! Where's Victor?! I want to tell him, I want to cry, (pregnancy hormones, or just relief) I want to shout it from the roof top. Victor was GONE hunting for the day. That's great, I'll run to the store and buy a couple onesies to give him. And that's what I did. When he finally got home, and we were alone (We had a house full of company) I handed him a box that he a pink and a blue onesie, a book that's called "Daddy's home" and my pregnancy tests (Don't worry, I put them in a baggie) As he opened it, he looked at me, in shock. He couldn't believe it either. He hugged me, then asked me if I was serious! YES! I was serious! "We're gonna have a baby."
   I went to the doctor and we got the due date of June 26, 2014!

Friends, If you, or someone you know, are going through the same thing, know that there is hope. I know you feel like it will never happen. It's so hard to watch everyone else have babies, but I promise you, in the end, It will be worth it. Give it to the Lord, and let Him know that you trust Him. As I feel my son kicking around as I'm writing this, I'm so grateful that my husband had the faith to "give it to the Lord" and that he was patient with me, as I learned to do the same thing. Our life has changed so much already, and yours will too. Also, know that you're not alone. There are people out there that have gone, or are going through the same thing. Seek help from friends and family. Having that support system is so important!

I hope this may have helped give someone out there the hope that is a light at the end of the "infertility tunnel."

-Megan